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How to tell your child they're donor conceived
Every aspect of your donor conception journey is made up of deeply personal choices. From choosing the right donor for your family to deciding if, when and how to tell your child they are donor conceived.
As part of your fertility journey with TFP Fertility, you’ll explore this in detail with a specialist counsellor. They’ll help you explore how you may approach telling your child they are donor conceived and how you might feel if they decide to contact their donor at any point.
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Why should you tell your child they are donor conceived?
Some parents of donor conceived children wonder if they should share this information at all. No one can decide this for your family but you, however, research suggests that many children can benefit from having an open and honest dialogue regarding their biological origins early in life. This fosters acceptance of themselves, allowing them to understand more deeply who they are and where they came from and the opportunity to learn more about their donor if they want to.
Moreover, talking openly about your child’s conception from an early age casts a positive light on your journey to parenthood, encouraging your child to feel proud of how they were brought into the world and develop a greater understanding that every family is unique.
It’s important to remember that it’s your child’s journey as well as yours. They should be given the opportunity to know their genetic history and the autonomy to make an informed decision on whether they find out about or meet their donor or other genetic parent or any donor siblings in the future.
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What to call your donor
There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ term for referring to your donor. You may have already chosen a term that feels right for you, but you should be mindful that this may not be right for your child and might change as they get older. Giving them the opportunity to choose what language they feel is best for them can result in positive experiences and relationships based on trust.
If you’re struggling to know what to call your donor here are some terms to consider:
Egg/Sperm donor – This describes the donor’s role in a straightforward way and is often used
Genetic contributor – This is slightly more clinical but emphasises the genetic relationship
Their first name – If they are a known donor or do-parent then you may wish to use their first name. You won’t know their details or first name if you go through a clinic, but your children will be able to access this through the HFEA when they turn 18 if they wish
Other genetic parent – Whilst many feel uncomfortable with this term, it does in fact describe what the donor is and is often seen as positive, truthful language by donor conceived people
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Telling your child they are donor conceived
Telling your child they are donor conceived shouldn’t be a one-time conversation. Instead, it should be an ongoing discussion that evolves with your child’s understanding.
Introducing the topic at an early age can help to create an openness that invites your child to feel comfortable asking questions as they get older. By weaving it into your everyday life, you demonstrate that it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Start by sharing how children come into the world in simplistic terms. Then, explain how this is achieved with the help of an egg or sperm donor.
Use a donor conception book - There are many wonderful books available that help to explain how donor conception works in a more visual way. These come in all varieties to cater to all types of families, and you can also create your own personalised version so that your child can read and learn about their own experience. Our partners at LGBT Mummies have put together a list of the best ones.
Create a memory box - This can be a lovely keepsake for your child to cherish forever. You can include photographs from your pregnancy and their birth, medical records, any information you have on your donor and other memories you wish them to hold onto. When they’re older, you can show them the box and tell them their story.
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Document your journey - Many parents going through fertility treatment document their journey by keeping a journal or setting up a social media account. Consider writing down your thoughts and feelings during this time, including what it was like choosing your child’s donor and why you chose them. You might include the information your donor provided, including their goodwill message if they wrote one, to later share with your child when they are older. This can help them live the journey that brought them to you and understand what the experience was like for you as their parent.
Write them a letter - Similar to documenting your journey, you might consider writing letters directly to your child that you can either send or read to them as they get older.
Be open and honest - Naturally, as your child gets older they’ll become curious about their heritage and will likely have more questions about their donor. This could include “do I have any siblings?” and “can I meet my donor?” No one expects you to have all of the answers, but being prepared for this eventuality can help both you and your child navigate this development in their understanding.
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